


EB: Trans Gender

by abraxasgrip



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post-Canon, Trans Female Character, Trans John Egbert, Trans Terezi Pyrope, Trans Vriska Serket
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-05-19 07:30:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19352323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abraxasgrip/pseuds/abraxasgrip
Summary: For once in his life John Egbert thinks hard about gender.





	1. Mornings of Nausea

**Author's Note:**

> Title and inspiration from here: https://twitter.com/VRlSREZl/status/1141074112875520006

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and inspiration from this lovely art: https://twitter.com/VRlSREZl/status/1141074112875520006

You start another war against your body and lose the 7th battle of Getting Out of Bed that you’ve fought this.. Morning? Afternoon? Whatever. You manage to prop yourself up on your elbow. 

What’s a few hours to a god anyways? Your universe, your rules. You’ve got an eternity to waste! Who cares if you don’t get out of bed before 3pm? You certainly don’t, you tell yourself, and collapse back into the springs of your mattress.  


…  


…  


This sucks.  


...  


8th time’s the charm, you suppose, and for once you manage to will your body to the edge of the bed, flopping onto the floor and narrowly avoiding the army of half-empty weeks-old water bottles besieging your divine boxspring. 

You shuffle past the enemy encampment and into your bathroom to begin your morning routine of brushing your teeth and thinking about shaving. You do your best to avoid looking into the mirror, for reasons you don’t care to think about too much, and decide that since you’re on a roll this morning, you might as well get one more thing done before descending into abject couch-bound boredom. A few cuts, a patch of razor burn, and a cup of shitty coffee later and you’re ready to commence doing nothing productive all day, avoiding looking at your phone, and feeling guilty about it all.

You open your beleaguered laptop and start up the shitty fantasy MMO that has kept that market cornered for as long as you can remember. You log-in, set your status to offline, and start tending to your little farm of rabbits and salamanders. Vriska says that they’re “l8me” and “8ad xp” but you really feel attached to the little guys. Sure, spiders and dragons might pull in more experience per hour, but who cares about a silly little thing like efficiency? Besides, all she does is farm bosses and harass players in the tutorial zone with Terezi. Which they’re probably doing right now, since it looks like they’re the only two of your friends currently online. Ever since Terezi dragged her back to the land of the living you don’t think you’ve gone a day without seeing the two of them logged on together

You drag your eyes off the screen to search for your remote. The main human network usually runs all kinds of action films that make for great background noise to keep your mind from marinating in total boredom. You turn it on, expecting the usual extremely cool gun fights and explosions, but are greeted by an entirely different burst of color. 

An archipelago of bright, pastel banners of seemingly infinite combinations, set in sea of rainbows. A crowd of trolls, humans, carapacians, and consorts pulses and flows with a clear sense of collective delight. The prismatic horde surrounds a broad avenue, traversed only by a crawling caravan of floats sporting even more colors. 

You think you can see some of your friends atop the more grandiose and gaudy floats. Dave and Karkat sit astride a polychromatic lump of ridiculously saturated colors and still-drying paper mache, expertly crafted to be as painful as possible to look at, from the wave of wincing and shielded eyes it seems to bring in its wake. Later down the line you see Rose and Kanaya, enthroned on a gorgeous float modeled after some kind of dark, spooky castle, with poorly matching banners of blue, pink, and white hanging from the towers. 

You guess you forgot that the first Earth C Pride Festival was happening today. Not that it really would’ve mattered much. As lovely as it is, and as much as you’d like to be there with your friends, you really don’t feel like you have much of a place there at this point. You tried “not being a heterosexual” after a lot of direct and indirect pressure from your friends, who seemed so happy in relationships that were unimaginable to you at 13. And it honestly made sense at the time. Your teenage fondness for movies starring big, strong men, and a combination of dreams and memories that Rose insisted “definitely meant something, John” lead you to some encounters that you’d really really rather forget. 

You desperately push the memory of anime shades on your bedside table out of your mind and return to feeding the little blue salamanders surrounding your avatar, a stout human fighter named Casey. You glance back up while the little dudes go to town on some mushrooms and see a float made from the same colors that adorned Rose and Kanaya’s fort. A small cluster of humans and trolls wearing rather pretty dresses are throwing confetti and handfuls of candy into the crowd. Based on what little you gleaned from Rose’s dense half-lectures on the subject, they must be trans women? You assume at least. They look pretty happy. 

You look back to your screen and feel a little strange about your avatar. With her soft black hair, half a length longer than yours, slight overbite, definitely-anachronistic glasses, and an almost flat chest.  
You look back at the television, camera still focused on the delighted girls. Back at your avatar. And back to the screen. And back to Casey. 

Hm. 

You switch your status to online and message one of the only two people who could plausibly respond at the moment.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gallowsCalibrator[GC]  
EB: hey terezi.  
EB: i was wondering…  
EB: um.  
EB: what do you think about gender?  
EB: just like.  
EB: in general?  
GC: WOW WH4T 4 S1MPL3 4ND 34SY TO 4NSW3R QU3ST1ON!  
GC: BUT HOLD ON TH1S 1NCR3D1BLY NORM4L CONV3RS4T1ON M1GHT H4V3 TO W41T  
GC: VR1SK4 4ND 1 4R3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF CONV1NC1NG TH1S DOP3 TO G1V3 US H1S 4RMOR SO W3 C4N G1LD 1T  
EB: i’m pretty sure you can’t actually gild armor in this game?  
EB: you can only buy already gilded armor.  
GC: UH DUH JOHN TH4TS TH3 PO1NT  
EB: and i’m pretty sure that breaks at least one or two of the rules?  
GC: W3LL 1LL L3T YOU KNOW WH3N ON3 OF TH3M 4CTU4LLY M4N4G3S TO R3PORT US  
GC: TH3Y T3ND TO B3 PR3TTY  
GC: UNLUCKY >:]  
GC: 4T G3TT1NG THROUGH TO TH3 MODS  
EB: wow okay.  
EB: that sure is a very cool drastic abuse of divine power.  
EB: but this is important, i’m at a real loss here!  
GC: WOW OK F1N3  
GC: TH3 GR1FT W4S OV3R 4NYW4YS  
GC: VR1SK4 GOT TOO 4NTSY 4ND H3 F1GUR3D 1T OUT  
GC: NOW SH3S CH4LL3NG1NG H1M TO PVP BUT H3 R3FUS3S TO 4CC3PT  
GC: SO 1 GOT T1M3 WH1L3 SH3 FOLLOWS H1M 4ROUND TH3 M4P  


You breathe in and look away from your screen, watching as the camera pans from the elated trans girls to a larger group of women quite dangerously standing in the back of a pickup truck, with a huge flag of pink, white, and orange.  


You breathe out  


EB: ok uh.  
EB: this might sound dumb.  
EB: so don’t laugh.  
EB: but what is it like?  
EB: like, being a girl?  
GC: Y34H TH4T 1S DUMB  
GC: BUT 1F YOU *MUST* KNOW  
GC: 1T’S UH...  
GC: W3LL  
GC: K1ND4 COMPL1C4T3D  
EB: well yeah? That’s why i asked.  
GC: DON’T G3T P1SSY W1TH M3 1’M TRY1NG TO 3XPL41N  
GC: 3V3N FOR TROLL G1RLS VR1SK4 4ND 1 W3R3 4 L1TTL3  
GC: W31RD  
EB: haha “were.”  
GC: H4H4 Y34H  
GC: BUT 4CTU4LLY  
GC: OK SO FOR 3X4MPL3  
GC MOST F3M4L3 TROLLS 4R3 BORN W1TH 4 K1ND OF P1LLOWY 4RMOR OV3R OUR CH3STS  
GC: TO PROT3CT OUR V1T4LS  
GC: K1ND4 L1K3 YOUR HUM4N BR34STS BUT NOT US3L3SS  
EB: no way boobs are definitely not useless!  
EB: they look nice and they’re soft.  
EB: and they’re good for babies i guess?  
GC: L1K3 1 S41D, US3L3SS  
GC: 4NYW4YS!  
GC: VR1SK4 4ND 1 W3R3 BOTH BORN W1THOUT TH1S 4RMOR  
GC: 4MONG OTH3R SUCH F34TUR3S  
GC: TH1S MOR3 OR L3SS M4RK3D US 4S M3N TO OUR SOC13TY  
GC: D3SP1T3 OUR COLL3CT1V3 F33L1NGS TO TH3 CONTR4RY  
GC: SO MY R3L4T1ONSH1P TO “G3ND3R” 4ND “WOM4NHOOD” 1S  
GC: NOT 3X4CTLY TH3 NORM  
GC: 4ND L1K3 1 S41D  
GC: COMPL1C4T3D  
EB: so you’re like... troll trans gender?  
GC: UH Y34H 1 GU3SS W3 4R3 “L1K3 TROLL TR4NS G3ND3R”  
EB: ok.  
EB: so if you weren’t born as girls, how exactly did you...  
EB: know?  
GC: HON3STLY 1’M NOT 3X4CTLY SUR3!  
GC: 1T W4S SOM3TH1NG L1K3 4 LONG S3R13S OF R34L1Z4T1ONS TH4T BU1LT 4ND BU1LT  
UNT1L 1T TH3 W31GHT OF 1T 4LL B3C4M3 TOO MUCH TO K33P 1GNOR1NG  
EB: oh?  
GC: Y34H L1K3 L1TT3 H1NTS 1 W4S L34V1NG MYS3LF UNT1L 1 S4T DOWN ON3 N1GHT 4ND W4S L1K3 “OH FUCK”  
GC: BUT 4NYW4YS!  
GC: WH4TS W1TH TH3 1NT3ROG4T1ON, S3N1OR G3ND3R D3T3CT1V3 3GB3RT  
GC: WH4T 4M 1 ON TR14L FOR >:?  
GC: 1 H4V3 4 L3G4L R1GHT TO KNOW  


You glance back to the technicolor crowd on the tv, searching for any instances of the flag that started this whole event. Studying the flag-bearers with careful intent, you look back to your avatar as she gently lobs carrots into the bunny pen. You think she looks happy. You carefully collect your thoughts before you respond.

EB: oh i’m mostly just curious haha.  
EB: but uh  
EB: if i could ask one more question, your honor.  
GC: >:/  
GC: 1’LL 4LLOW 1T  
EB: ok so i dont like feel this way.  
EB: im just curious.  
EB: but uh.  
EB: what does it mean if you’re a boy and you don’t really want to be?  
EB: like if you’d maybe.  
EB: maybe.  
EB: rather be a girl?  


The second the message sends you turn the laptop away with shaking hands and erratically pace around the room. After a few moments and a couple false starts, you gather the courage to peak at the corner of the screen  


GC: 3GB3RT.  
GC: TH3 K1ND OF P3OPL3 WHO W4NT TO B3 G1RLS 4R3  
GC: BR4C3 YOURS3LF  
GC: USU4LLY G1RLS  
GC: >:]  
GC: SHOCK1NG 1 KNOW  


The primal shock of seeing something you shouldn't washes over you like a tingling wave. You stare at the screen like the words will change, with enough scrutiny. Maybe you misread it? Nope nope nope. God. Two decades of unrecognized or poorly ignored signs and thoughts begin a simultaneous parade in your head, chaotic enough to make the rainbow soaked festival on your tv look like a retirement-home tea party. You think you need to lay on the floor for a moment.  


GC: 4R3 YOU TH3R3  
GC: JOHN  
GC: >:?  
GC: 3GB3RT 1 H4VE TO GO FOR NOW  
GC: VR1SK4’S C4LL1NG FROM TH3 NUTR1T1ON BLOCK SO 1 TH1NK 1T’S T1M3 FOR OUR D4T3 4T D3NNYS  
GC: BUT 1F YOU W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT 4NY SUDD3N R4NDOM R34L1Z4T1ONS YOU M4Y H4V3 H4D  
GC: COM3 BY OUR H1V3 SOM3T1M3 TOMORROW  


gallowsCalibrator[GC]ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]  
gallowsCalibrator[GC] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]  


GC: H3H3H3H3H  
GC: 3GG-B3RT  


gallowsCalibrator[GC] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a nonfiction writer and this is pretty much the first time I've really written fiction so any kind of feedback would be hugely appreciated <3


	2. Evenings of silence

A young.. woman? Lies on her living room floor. It just so happens that today, the 8th of June, is the day she realized that maybe, perhaps, wanting to be a girl might just mean Something. What will her name be?  
…  
…  


Oh god you’ll definitely need more time than that to think it through

Your name, presently, is John Egbert, and you’ve just been hit with an earth shattering revelation.  
You lift your head off the ground after a long moment of genuine commiseration with the white shag carpet. The television is running through the final moments of the first inaugural Earth C Pride Parade, rainbows abound. On another screen, your dear, sweet avatar is booted from the game for inactivity, bringing with her the eye-searing teal text of a friend, who you think may be really living up to her mythological title tonight. A friend who also misspelled your name with an emphasis on “egg.” And you won't even pretend to know what that’s supposed to mean.

Honestly you’re not really sure what any of what she said *really* means, other than that it turns your brain into a fine slurry of confused memories and resounding anxiety. Trying to sift through these feelings only muddies your mental waters, made all the murkier as you become aware of the television shifting back to its regularly scheduled action schlock, with the overbearing soundscape that entails.  
You think you’re gonna need some air.  
...  


Stepping outside, you’re met by an omnidirectional cicada serenade and the comforting warmth of a still summer evening. You head down your street towards the nearby park. At this time of night, the salamanders are probably finishing up dinner, fatherly amphibians kissing their wives on the cheeks with every ounce of aquatic affection they can muster, embarrassing the fuck out of their slimy little children. Rose scoffs at their “pagental imitation of suburban heterosexuality,” but you think it’s cute and probably harmless. 

You sit on a bench overlooking the park and a sizable chunk of amphibiopolis. The park is completely empty, the consorts are all probably gathering ‘round for Ferrous Culinary Artist or whatever else they have going on primetime troll tv. 

A long moment passes as you take in the still-warm bench and the fading, shrill encore of the insects playing over an otherwise dead atmosphere. 

You breathe in, out. In, out, resting your head in your hands. The trees behind you begin to quietly rustle as you calm your nerves and search your thoughts. 

You never had the vocabulary to make sense of how you felt. None of the social context needed to wring meaning out of that sea of confusion and misunderstood misery. A mental archipelago of tucked-away memories labeled “oh this might mean something later.” It’s hard to work anything out when you’re spending three of the most formative years of your life in a purgatorial video game, stacking trauma and repressed thoughts faster than you can even think about thinking about it. But now you’ve passed the point of no return. There’s no putting this back in the box. 

So you guess that now’s a better time than any to finally think about why your eyes always settle in the margins of the mirror and the upper corners of your shower. Why it’s so hard to get out of bed, knowing you’ll have to see yourself, much less leave the house to be seen by a world bent on capturing every second of your shlubby deific public appearances. 

You're beginning to piece together why you clung so hard to the corny paragons of masculinity found in the movies you had loved at 13, and why it didn’t always feel quite right. Which itself might explain what drew you so strongly to a certain spidery friend and her fashion. To your idiot teen self, it looked like she had all the style and badass charismatic confidence of Nic Cage and Bruce Willis. Of course, that was a poorly crafted house of cards that went tumbling down the second you met her goofy, overdramatic ass in person. But sympathizing with her, dressing like her, was a kind of unintentional guide from a human male status quo into the uncharted waters beyond. The first crack in a gendered foundation that you always knew deep down was less than solidly set. Now, after years of soaking in the experiences of friends more sure of themselves and who they love and how they want to be seen, that foundation is collapsing like Little Monsters at the box office. 

As you work your way through these thoughts, the half-dead grass and scant trees surrounding your hilltop perch wave under a building breeze. Looking down on the village, you watch a very professional looking salamander with a horrible little fedora taking his daughter for a walk. Hm.

You always wanted more than the cologne-scented bar soap provided by your father. But you never said a word. Your dad was a kind man who wanted nothing less than total happiness for his son. But that’s just the thing. As Rose has explained again and again, the best of intentions don’t guarantee the best of results when they’re steeped in a society with gendered norms as rigid as yours. 

You’re pretty sure you know what she means by that. What she terms “the twin cycles of negligence and overbearingly feminine gifts that defined my maternal relationship” was nothing but alienating and uncomfortable. But something about it always did seem kinda enviable. Your father picked up on, and made a point of affirming, what he assumed was an unspoken love of clowns. But instead you really wish that he had picked up the feelings that you’re facing now. Before you had to on your own.

But it’s ok now. You’re ok now. There’s no time like the present for an immortal god of wind, right? Every vestige of the old world has been shed by a meteor storm and a bizarre game with your dear friends. You’ve saved civilizations and rewrote reality. The bonds of a dead planet are the last thing that should hold you back anymore. 

The wind gathers strength as your breathing picks up. 

You want to move through the world with all of the elegance and power implicit in your aspect. Strong, graceful, and-- you’re beginning to think-- pretty. Like your avatar. Or Liv Tyler. Or.. most of your friends? 

What that adds up to is. Perhaps. That you want to be a girl. 

And as the honorable Mrs. Serket-Pyrope decreed, that probably means that you... *are* a girl. 

You sit there for a second, taking in the surprisingly rapid and cool breeze of the summer night. Then you breathe out, slowly, as the tight, bubbly feeling you’ve felt in your chest all day breaks into a wave of relief. And you giggle for must be the first time in months. 

Fuck it. You're gonna be ok. 

Your eyes feel wet and your chest aches but you think you feel good. And emotionally exhausted. And happy. 

You wipe your tears on the sleeve of your sweatshirt and shuffle down the path with a start. The last thing you want right now is to be seen. 

This was more introspection than you’ve done your entire life. And it definitely feels like it. There's no avoiding the subject anymore, but the manifold implications of this realization, and your friends who are probably waiting with baited breath, will have to wait until you feel less like your heart is going to implode.

You collapse into bed half an hour later, knocking over ranks of water bottles on the way, as your laptop blinks to life.

gallowsCalibrator[GC] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]  
GC: SORRY 1 D1DNT CH3CK B4CK 1N SOON3R, VR1SK4 4ND 1 W3R3 THROW1NG ROCKS 4T GL4SS BOTTL3S 1N TH3 D3NNY’S P4RK1NG LOT  
GC: T1M3 GOT 4W4Y FROM US...  
GC: ...  
GC: SO  
GC: H4V3 YOU H4TCH3D Y3T >:?  
GC: OR DO 1 N33D TO DROP MOR3 D3L1C1OUS 1NCUB4TORY BR34DCRUMBS  
GC: E1TH3R W4Y 1 W4S B3TT1NG ON 1T T4K1NG 4 LOT LONG3R  
GC: VR1SK4 1S GO1NG TO B3 *SO* SMUG WH3N SH3 F1NDS OUT...  
GC: OH SP34K OF TH3 D1VIN3 1 TH1NK SH3 JUST M4N4G3ED TO CUT H3RS3LF ON OUR BROK3N GL4SS  
GC: SO YOU K33P TH1NK1NG H4RD WH1L3 1 D34L W1TH MY DORK OF 4 W1F3  
GC: S33 YOU TOMORROW 3GGB3RT  


gallowsCalibrator[GC] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter has more vrisrezi and less trans angst, much to my relief.


	3. Called up some folks I truly love

EGBERT: uh.   
EGBERT: well.   
EGBERT: i’ve been thinking   
EGBERT: maaaybe June?   


You’ve taken a sudden intense interest in the fabric of your shirt. Terezi leans forward from her armrest-perch at the edge of the bright, red leather couch, resting her head in one hand 

TEREZI: OH L1K3 TH3 SW34TY HUM4N SUMM3R MONTH? >:?  


On queue, your position three cushions down from her starts to feel a dozen times warmer. You shift to a fleetingly cooler section of the couch and tuck your legs beneath yourself. 

JUNE: i mean it’s not.. exactly.. after the month.   
JUNE: and I know it’s a little similar to…the other one..   
JUNE: but I dunno!   
JUNE: i just think it sounds nice!   
JUNE: and I mean   
JUNE: it DOES fit my family’s weird unexplained naming scheme.  
TEREZI: OH DON’T G3T M3 WRONG, 1 TH1NK 1T’S 4 GOOD CHO1C3!   
TEREZI: HON3STLY 1T’S B3TT3R TH4N WH4T 1 3XP3CT3D.  
JUNE: which.. was?  
TEREZI: PROB4BLY SOM3 DUMB N4M3 FROM ON3 OF THOS3 4WFUL MOV13S YOU 4ND VR1SK4 L1K3  
TEREZI: L1K3 L1V OR C4S3Y OR SOM3TH1NG  


You bark out a laugh- like you hadn’t been considering those exact names all morning- as Terezi smirks and leans over to pick up a scarlet mug labeled “SHR1MP1N 41NT 34SY” in bright teal. She shifts her sunglasses to the tip of her nose and makes uncanny eye contact. 

TEREZI: SO  
TEREZI: MRS. TROGLODYT3  
TEREZI: 1T’S B33N 4 WH1L3  
TEREZI: 1 M34N 1’V3 B33N K1CK1NG YOUR 4SS 1N TH4T G4M3 ON 4 N34R W33KLY B4S1S   
TEREZI: BUT 1 C4N’T S4Y 1’V3 S33N YOU 1N TH3 FL3SH 1N 4 HOT Y34R  


She loudly sips her coffee and gives you a pointed stare. 

JUNE: well first of all you KNOW my build is optimized around skilling.  
JUNE: pvp isn't my strongsuit by design.  
JUNE: ...  
JUNE: but yeah.   
JUNE: i’m sorry about that.   
JUNE: i've been kinda withdrawn for a while now.  
JUNE: i don’t think... this... is the whole reason why,   
JUNE: but it definitely explains a lot?”   
TEREZI: OH 1 G3T 1T  
TEREZI: 1’M JUST R3D1R3CT1NG SOM3 CONC3RNS  
TEREZI: FROM 4 C3RT41N P4NTH3ON OF LOS3RS  
TEREZI: 1 C4N’T 3X4CTLY C4ST JUDG3M3NT H3R3 4NYW4YS  
TEREZI: 4S GU1LTY 4S TH3 D3F3ND4NT M4Y B3 >:]   
TEREZI: 1’V3 B33N H3LD UP 1N H3R3 FOR…  
TEREZI: W3LL...  
TEREZI: HOW3V3R LONG 1T’S B33N S1NC3 1 GOT MY VR1SK4 B4CK 1 GU3SS  


She sets her mug down on a coffee table overflowing with RPG manuals, boxes of chalk, lizard figurines, corny looking novels, and historical treatises on pirates. 

TEREZI: H3LP1NG H3R 4DJUST TO 4 L1F3 TH4T DO3SN’T R3QU1R3 DUMB4SS D34DLY H3RO1C STUNTS  
TEREZI: TH3 M1NDS3T SH3S SP3NT H3R WHOL3 L1V3 SO4K1NG 1N  
TEREZI: H4S B33N 4 LOT OF WORK  
TEREZI: 4S YOU COULD PROB4BLY 1M4G1N3   


She describes it like a chore, with a loud abrasive sigh. But her soft, content smile is an expression you haven’t on her seen since.. well.. ever. 

TEREZI: SO.   
TEREZI: JUN3.   
TEREZI: DO YOU H4V3 4NY BURN1NG “TR4NS G3ND3R” QU3ST1ONS FOR M3 >:]  
TEREZI: 1 M34N 1 KNOW YOU’R3 4 W31RD SOFT 4L13N  
TEREZI: BUT FROM WH4T ROS3 S4YS 1T S33MS L1K3 4LL OF OUR 3XP3R13NC3S 4R3   
TEREZI: UNFORTUN4T3LY  
TEREZI: PR3TTY 1D3NT1C4L 4CROSS T1M3 4ND SP4C3.   


She nods towards the staircase. 

TEREZI: 4ND WH3N3V3R SH3 G3TS H3R 4SS OUT OF B3D YOU C4N 4SK H3R TOO  


You follow her motion, glancing at the gaudy chalk drawings covering nearly every inch of their blackboard paint walls. An especially cheeky beam of midday light graces an unbelievably shitty rendering of its goddess, apparently entitled “DUMB BLU3B3RRY W1F3.” 

JUNE: oh did you..  
JUNE: tell her?  
TEREZI: OF COURS3 NOT, JUN3.   
TEREZI: BUT 1 4SSUM3 SH3 KNOWS WH4T YOU’R3 H3R3 TO T4LK 4BOUT.   
TEREZI: SH3 M4Y NOT H4V3 TH3 1NV3ST1G4T1V3 1NST1NCTS OF YOURS TRULY   
TEREZI: BUT TR4NS WOM3N H4V3 4 S1XTH S3NS3 FOR TH1S K1ND OF TH1NG...   


You're beginning to realize that. 

TEREZI: BUT TH4T’S B3S1D3S TH3 PO1NT!   
TEREZI: QU3ST1ONS!  
JUNE: alright alright.  


You pause to filter through and condense the questions you’ve been asking yourself all day. Oh yeah. You open your phone and switch from one tab- a post on a trans forum titled “What does it mean if I want to be a girl?” to a meme posted on the same forum. Handing your phone to Terezi, a sad looking feminine anime character graces the screen, with the caption:  


MFW  
Out of Pickles.  
  
She licks the screen. You forgot that she did that.  


TEREZI: JUN3  
JUNE: yes?  
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S TH1S  
JUNE: well I was hoping You could tell Me that?   
JUNE: I don’t know much about animes.  
JUNE: but they sure do post a lot about pickles on these sites.  
JUNE: I just wasn’t sure if this is like.. an essential part of being trans that I need to know about.  
TEREZI: W3LL.   
TEREZI: NOT TH4T 1 KNOW OF R34LLY?   
TEREZI: BUT 1’M NOT R34LLY F4M1L14R W1TH TH1S PL4N3TS TR4NSG3ND3R CULTUR3.   
TEREZI: NOT 3NT1R3LY 4T L34ST.  


She pulls at the pink, white, and blue beaded bracelet on her arm and hums loudly. 

TEREZI: OH W41T TH4T *DO3S* R3M1ND M3 OF SOM3TH1NG FROM 4LT3RN14!   


She scrambles for her phone and scrolls through her photos for a second before throwing it at you. It lands by your knees, and through the translucent teal saliva you see a cute, sad indigo troll, with the caption:  
  


M|-W  
No S(=asauc(=

JUNE: s... seasauce?  
TEREZI: Y34H, S34DW3LL3R GRUBS4UC3.   
TEREZI: H4RD TO COM3 BY BUT SUP3R S4LTY!   
TEREZI: TURNS OUT OUR HORMON3 M3D1C1N3 M4K3S US M4JORLY CR4V3 SOD1UM.   
TEREZI: M4YB3 1T’S L1K3 TH4T FOR HUM4NS TOO?  
JUNE: well I guess that.. kinda answers that…   
JUNE: ok.   
JUNE: less less dumb question.   
JUNE: what is transitioning Like?  
TEREZI: OH TH4T 1 C4N DO >:]  


She slams the rest of her coffee and launches into an extended tour of What It’s Like and What You Should Expect. Featuring sore boobs, soft skin, sadness, and a slew of other such Information that she characteristically playfully balances on the cusp of Too Much.

TEREZI: ...4ND Y34H TH3 CONST4NT N33D TO P1SS W1LL SUCK 4SS  
TEREZI: 4ND YOUR T1TS 4R3 GONN4 B3 MOR3 S3NS1T1V3 TH4N TH3 TOPS OF YOUR HUM4N WR1GGL3R’S H34DS  
TEREZI: BUT 1T’LL B3 WORTH 1T 1N TH3 3ND!  


She taps two fingers against her temple and grins 

TEREZI: 1 C4N T3LL!  
JUNE: i’m pretty sure your powers don’t work like that?   
JUNE: vriska said you couldn’t just magically pr-  
TEREZI: SHHH!!   
TEREZI: 1T’S GONN4 B3 F1N3!   
TEREZI: 1 DON’T N33D M1ND POW3RS TO T3LL YOU TH4T.  


Alright. You’re still struggling to sift through everything she told, but you think she’s probably right. You want to feel better. To be able to look in a mirror or change your clothes without being plunged into an abyss of self hate. And what she’s talking about, the struggles, changes, and rewards, seem like something that would genuinely improve your situation. Or at least make you comfortable enough to help you push through the mental morass that has defined your every day for the past decade. 

JUNE: alright.   
JUNE: so. how would I... start?  
TEREZI: W3LL UNFORTUN4T3LY  
TEREZI: TH4NKS TO YOUR D34R N4N4  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3 HUM4N SYST3M D4V3 C4LLS “C4P1T4L1SM"  
TEREZI: YOU’R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO JUMP THROUGH SOM3 C1RCUL4R B4RR3L G1RDL3S TO G3T ST4RT3D >:/  
JUNE: well that’s ok I think.   
JUNE: i mean I’ve waited 23 years to figure this out.  
JUNE: what’s a few m-  
TEREZI: OH W41T!  


She jumps off the couch and books it up the stairs. After a minute she comes down carrying a small orange bottle, hurling it at your head with a near hit. 

TEREZI: OK SO  
TEREZI: VR1SK4 4ND 1 DON’T T3CHN1C4LLY N33D 4LL OF TH3 SP1RO TH4T W3 US3  
TEREZI: (TH4T’S TH3 P1LLS TH4T BLOCKS TH3 BOY 3N3RGY 4ND M4K3S YOU P1SS)   
TEREZI: SO 1 W4S TH1NK1NG!   
TEREZI: 1F YOU W4NT3D TO T4K3 SOM3 OF TH3S3 UNT1L YOU C4N G3T TH3 OFF1C14L STUFF, YOU C4N!   
TEREZI: 1T M1GHT H3LP  


You shake the bottle around and open your mouth to reply but are cut off by a door slamming open on the second floor and the sound of Someone scrambling down the stairs. Jumping down and over the last set of steps, Vriska Serket very ungracefully makes her entrance into the living room. Wearing some kind of punk tshirt and 8ball pajama pants. She points at the bottle in your hand. 

VRISKA: Well well well well!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I thought I heard someone rifling through the pill pile.  
VRISKA: Did you fiiiiiiiinally decide to join the winning team, Eg8ert?  
JUNE: the who?  
VRISKA: The women!!!!!!!!  


She turns to Terezi, elated. 

VRISKA: Did she finally hatch????????  


Terezi looks at you. Deep breath in. Out. 

JUNE: yeah I... guess I did.   
JUNE: i want to go by June, I think.  


Vriska does an honest-to-god fist pump jump in the air cheer. 

VRISKA: Aha!   
VRISKA: I knew it!!!!!!!!  


She sees the look Terezi is giving and adds, 

VRISKA: And I’m glad for you!  
VRISKA: How did you figure it out????????  
JUNE: just a lot of thinking I guess?  
JUNE: i mean a lot of it seems kinda obvious, looking back?  
JUNE: but it’s not fully pieced together yet i guess.   
JUNE: i just think this will make me… happier.  
VRISKA: Yeeeeaaaaah that’s a8out all you need to know really!  


Vriska yawns and walks over to the coffee table and checks Terezi’s mug. Empty. They stick their tongues out at each other. 

VRISKA: Hold up ooooneeee second I gotta w8ke up a little 8it 8efore I hear a8out this.  


She walks off into kitchen, and you decide to take one of the pills out. Terezi speaks up over the roaring of the coffee machine 

TEREZI: Y34H SO YOU’LL H4V3 TO T4K3 2 OF THOS3 4 D4Y, MORN1NG 4ND N1GHT.   
TEREZI: OR WH3N3V3R YOU W4K3 UP 4ND GO TO SL33P 1 GU3SS  
TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1T M4TT3RS MUCH  


Vriska returns from the kitchen with a mug of coffee bearing the flaming visage of a low resolution photo alligator, reading: 

“Terezi look at this g8r it’s y  
it’s you I love you 8ottom text”  
  
in classic meme format.

She sets it on the table and perches herself in Terezi's lap. 

VRISKA: Weeeeeeeell don’t let me interrupt anything!  
VRISKA: Were you a8out to t8ke that????????  
JUNE: oh like.. now? 

Terezi shifts around to be able to see you. 

TEREZI: OF COURS3 1T DO3SN’T *H4V3*TO B3 NOW  
TEREZI: BUT 1F YOU W4NT TO G3T 1T GO1NG 4S SOON 4S POSS1BL3, WHY NOT?   
TEREZI: M4Y 4S W3LL G3T ST4RT3D >:]  


She spits out strand of Vriska’s hair. 

TEREZI: 1F YOU’D R4TH3R NOT H4V3 US ST4R1NG 4T YOU, YOU C4N GO TO TH3 B4THROOM OR SOM3TH1NG  
VRISKA: Oooooooor the loot room!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: OR TH3 LOOT ROOM!  
JUNE: no no it’s fine.   
JUNE: it’s just… a lot.   
JUNE: like I know taking this one pill isn’t going to do much of anything.  
JUNE: but it’s a little overwhelming.  
JUNE: like im on the edge of a cliff.  
JUNE: looking down.  
JUNE: well.  
JUNE: except not a cliff   
JUNE: because falling off those would be a pretty bad thing actually?   
JUNE: so more like an upside down cliff.  
JUNE: uggggh this is just nonsense.  
JUNE: do you have any idea what im talking about?  
VRISKA: Uh yeah June of course we do????????  


Terezi elbows her 

TEREZI: WH4T SH3 M34NS 1S TH4T W3 SYMP4TH1Z3   
TEREZI: W3’V3 BOTH B33N 1N YOUR POS1T1ON B3FOR3  
TEREZI: YOU DON’T H4V3 TO DO OR T4K3 4NYTH1NG YOU DON’T W4NT TO,   
TEREZI: BUT THOS3 W1LL PROB4BLY 34S3 SOM3 OF TH3 D1SCOMFORT FOR NOW!   


Vriska leans back into Terezi’s shoulder 

VRISKA: Yeeeeaaaah E is the real game changer  
VRISKA: Even if it makes you cry all the time.   
VRISKA: That shit suuuuuuuucks.  
VRISKA: Like, yesterday I was watching this seal documentary, right,   
VRISKA: And they were going to town on some dum8ass penguins who were too slow to get to the w8r.   
VRISKA: Then the camera zoomed to this fat wet murder dog,  
VRISKA: Mid feast,   
VRISKA: 8linking its 8ig 8lack watery eyes at me.   
VRISKA: Couldn’t hold 8ack the tears........  
TEREZI: BLUH BLUH, CRY1NG 1S NORM4L  
TEREZI: SH3 ONLY H4T3S 1T B3C4US3 1T M4K3S H3R  
TEREZI: QUOT3:  
TEREZI: "LOOK L1K3 SOM3 K1ND OF B1G B1TCH B4BY WR1GGL3R"   


Vriska thrashes against her and is bitten on the shoulder in return, met by a yelp and an elbow to the ribs. This goes on, alternating between a genuine tussle and what could be better described as “violent cuddling” before you softly cough and get them to settle down. Terezi giggles and kisses the top of Vriska’s (impossibly, now even more tangled) mass of hair, and looks back at you with a much more serious look. 

TEREZI: BUT R34LLY, JUN3.   
TEREZI: 1T’S GONN4 B3 4LR1GHT  


Vriska yawns and settles back against Terezi. 

VRISKA: Yeeeeaaaah, figuring it out is the hard part.   
VRISKA: It’s like, years of discomfort that you don’t even know how to descri8e, much less cope with.   
VRISKA: You’re just treading water and feeling worse 8y the second.  
VRISKA: D8ys and d8ys and daaaaaaaays of looking up in the shower and never liking what you have to wear.   
VRISKA: It’s awful!!  
TEREZI: BUT FROM WH4T 1 C4N T3LL, JUN3, YOU’V3 4LR34DY GON3 THROUGH 4LL TH4T!  
TEREZI: YOU’V3 1D3NT1F13D TH3 CULPR1T  
TEREZI: 4ND 1F YOU TH1NK 1T’S WH4T YOU W4NT, YOU KNOW HOW TO LOCK 1T UP FOR GOOD.  


She grins, nodding towards the pill. 

JUNE: ok ok.   
JUNE: i think I’ll do it.  


You toss the pill from hand to hand 

JUNE: i mean...  
JUNE: who better to take my first step with than with two girls who have definitely  
JUNE: at least  
JUNE: each killed me once.  


They both giggle at what was only half a joke 

VRISKA: That’s the spir8!!!!!!!!”   


Vriska sips from her g8r mug and leans over to pass it to you. 

VRISKA: Here June you can t8ke em with this.  


You hold the mug and sit there for a while, looking in turn at your reflection in the murky black coffee and the small white pill in your hand. Looking up after a deep breaht, you smile at the two of them. Vriska smiles back with what is probably the least shit eating most genuine grin she’s ever given you. You would say that Terezi does too, but she always looks like that. So you don’t think it really counts. 

You down the pill with a shot of Vriska's awful bitter black coffee. Another tear wells up and rolls down your cheek. 

VRISKA: See! I told you that would happen, Eg8ert!   
VRISKA: Get ready for yeeeeaaaars of the waterworks!!!!!!!!”   


You have a feeling it's going to be a good eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's Vriska's mug! https://abraxasgrip.tumblr.com/post/187063368174/vrisrezi-anniversary-gift

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a nonfiction writer and this is pretty much the first time I've really written fiction so any kind of feedback would be hugely appreciated <3


End file.
